type something here

i want to go somewhere.

2008-03-26T19:42:00.000-07:00

i'm not complaining, i'm really not. but it is spring break, and all i'm doing is getting overtime at work.
i wanted to go somewhere, spend time with just David and myself. but i was lucky i got him to come with to Oma's house for Easter.
He once promised that we could drive up to New England for a few days. have our own little vacation. somehow i don't think that is ever going to happen. he always has work. and i know it is a real job and it isn't like grad school. but it wasn't like we ever just ran off and ignored school. hell i was lucky when i could get him for a saturday or sunday when we were in school. now, it is almost useless.

2008-01-31T13:45:00.001-08:00

I called Goebel on sunday night. Not for any particular reason other than I thought of him and wanted to say hi.

Turns out that his grandma had died and he had been in the hospital. None of these facts he had cared to tell me, except till I called and asked him how he was.
I was really offended, but i guess it is time for us to end our friendship. If you can call it a friendship.
I think i'm upset becaue I was really trying not to continuesly mention that I got married. I mean, I didn't change my profile pictures, I didn't update about it much. I was really trying to be nice about it.

2008-01-31T13:44:00.000-08:00

the wedding went well

2007-12-27T20:56:00.000-08:00

the wedding is only 9 days away. yes i'm freaking out. i'm wondering what else could possible go wrong. a few weeks ago my best man backed out because his wife won't let him come. then i'm not getting responses from hardly any of my sent invitations.
and then Kira called me today, while out visiting her parents. it seems she decided that she can't handle the music. the music that she was required to play in 9 days!!! oh ... my ... gosh. it seems at least that she got a replacement for herself. someone that plays with the toledo symphony or so. either way, i am beyond frustrated. this simply isn't something that i should have to be stressing out over. i'm already worried about where i can stash half of my life while i fill my governement required wife duties by living with david. i can't wait to be living with him, but i do hate having to give up school for a while.
*sigh*
It seems that miss Kira is really serious about moving out to Colorado with her parents. if that is the case, i'm going to try an get one other roommate and just rent the house from them. that would so be great. even it if isn't Andrea from my program, there is the whole group, ok 3 people, from they next group that might need a place to stay. if that is the case, i'm going to just keep all my extra stuff in the back of the basement i think.

2007-11-16T16:39:00.001-08:00

almost everything I have touched today has broken, including Kira's dog. apperently the food i got for the doggie yesterday made her sick and she spent most of the day being sick.
I didn't even touch Kira's bank account and i still broke it. i guess i'm just that good, or bad. however you see it.

2007-11-04T17:47:00.000-08:00

i had a dream about Brad last night. Actually it was about his nephew, though i know he doesn't have a nephew. the nephew was to be the ring bearer for the wedding. he was really cute too. but i remember asking brad if there was a reason that i shouldn't marry david, "While You Were Sleeping Style". and he was so obvilious he didn't realize.

I'm not quite what that all means. I know Brad and I would never work out, i think i' just too sexually frustrated.

mental

2007-10-30T18:22:00.000-07:00

i think i'm clinically depressed right now. least all signs lead to that. it is getting hard to hide. i want to see someone about it, but i know that being on meds could affect my future. i'm still a little kid. i still want to be an astronout and being on psych drugs is a definite weeder evaluation. so i guess i shall just keep slogging through, trying to make sense of what i'm being taught in class till they ask me to leave.

wife

2007-10-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

i had a thought the other day. i am going to be a wife. that sounds old. maybe it is something that i need though.

i call david honey or dear. but he never calls me anything but steph. i wish he did hav e pet name for me. just something for him and i.

random marrage thoughts

2007-10-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

we tested cakes today. it was unlike anythng i had done before. simply because i was expecting a few bites for each cake tyype, but we ended up getting a small cake for each flavor.
after Cait left i went to UPS and picked up my wedding band.
I riped my vail a little trying to get the tags off, i will have to glue it back together i think.

Sometimes getting married scares me. I haven't really dated around. Not that there are many guys i would like to share slobber with, not counting movie stars. but i still feel like such a little kid sometimes. i just feel like i should be more of an adult. having a real job, just feeling more confident in everything. i still feel like i don't know anything. and while i technically have college qualifications, i still don't know what to do with them.
maybe it would be different if dave and i were still living together, not just seeing each other once a month or so.

2007-09-17T15:09:00.000-07:00

So, on wednesday of last week, I learned a few very important lessons.
1. If you think you are dehydrated, you already are
2. Stop before you actually fall down
3. We have cute male doctors and nurses at UT's ER
4. They have a white board just like on the medical TV shows.

I of course learned all these lessons the hard way, and now owe the hospital $100 for my co-pay. which i hear isn't that bad, but is bad enough for me.

i have an anatomy exam next week, but i'm in luck, my coloring book just came in the mail. that makes me happy. now where did i put my colored penciles??

i have been thinking about Brad again lately

2007-09-04T05:57:00.000-07:00

i have been thinking about Brad again lately. i know i shouldn't, but i can't help it ... yup, that is the excuse i'm using.
we spent almost an hour after work on the roof just enjoying the night and the stars. both agreeing that it would be a great night to lay out and just make out with some one for the whole night. we talked about nothing and everything. i love those kinds of conversations.
i know he isn't the guy for me (too timid), but he would make a great friend and he does need a great girl

2007-08-20T15:29:00.000-07:00

once again, today was my first day of school, in theory at least. I'm not sure if i am signed up for classes or not, but i know there are forms that i know i still need to have filled out. so i won't technically be taking classes till all forms are filled out.
i'm still not quite sure how it all works out.

yet i'm still not sure ...

2007-08-19T16:18:00.000-07:00

we are getting married. i'm excited. but i'm also wondering if i'm making the right decision. i don't know who i can talk to about it. i wish i could talk to Cait, but she is frustrated enough with her relationship. i can't talk to Goebel, i know what answer I will get.
I don't really have any adult friends that are more my friend than anyone else's.
i just wish i knew if this was what i was really supposed to do.

I do have an amazing idea for the cake though, a Mars cake. complete with Dave and I in space suits, Marvin doing the ceramony, Gulliver and Mia the cats in little space suits, K-9 (Marvins dog) and a Mars Rover in attendance. What I want is amazing, i just have to convice the cake making people of it.

i have bought a vail, but so far that is the only part, apart from the deposit for the reception. i wish i could buy more, but i don't have any money, nor credit on my card. my school loans haven't kicked in yet because i'm missing paper work for grad school.

2007-07-06T20:43:00.001-07:00

i'm sick of living with the girls. i could deal with one. but as a group, the maturity level just drops. i'm just sick of it.
maybe i just had it too good that week or so i spent with Dave in St. Louis. what a wonderful city. but right now, i dread going back to the house. i didn't go back last night. i just slept at work. i couldn't face it.
how am i supposed to do this for the next two years?

i'm trying

2007-03-15T16:35:00.000-07:00

i know that it isn't my "job" to make him feel better, but could he at least reconize the fact that i do try and make his life easier when i know that he is stressed and upset.
i do try and make the little annoyances of life go away when i can, but it just seems to make things worse.

about time

2007-03-06T21:50:00.001-08:00

Well, it is offically offical. he asked on sunday, and today we went out to get a ring. it wasn't a proper one, just symbolic till we can afford the one i want, but i'm not complaining.

2007-03-01T15:23:00.000-08:00

Well, he still has not proposed. mostly because I don't have my ring yet, yet from some strange reason he does. we are getting costum rings from furthers.com because they have rings with meteorite iron in them. i know, we are such dorks.
But they are too expensive to buy the set right away, and they happened to have the one that Dave wanted in stock, so we got that one.

don't cry ... don't cry

2007-02-08T19:37:00.000-08:00

doesn't he realize that he still has to propose?!?!?!?!?!?
i understand that he can't/won't afford a ring right now, but i still want him to ask me to spend the rest of his life with me and ask me to marry him. is that really so f*cking much to ask?????

2007-02-02T15:04:00.000-08:00

i have no idea how i'm going to be able to afford a wedding, much less put one together in a few months, if we even do it in May/June. i'm so overwhelmed already.

he hasn't even asked, and i'm upset

2007-01-21T18:16:00.000-08:00

Whenever I do tell my family that Dave and I are final engaged, it still will not be the right time. My mom is still being upset about her and my father. Let alone the news that by brother is about to drop on the family. That will break Oma's heart I know.
I know my wedding will really just be my mom and I yelling at each other about what I want verses what she wants. And then here is Dave’s mom, who still thinks for some odd reason, that her son is going to come back home to sit there and polished. and then Dave will be sitting there the entire time, not helping to backing me up, just complaining that he didn’t really want all this crap in the first place, and that our relationship status is really on one else's business.
This isn’t’ going to be good, it is going to be horrible, and I’m already dreading it.

what will the future bring?

2007-01-13T15:04:00.000-08:00

David and Imran are really starting to worry about their futures. How would have thought that someone with a PhD in physics couldn't find a job.
I'm worried too, about their and my future. if i don't get into grad school, i don't know what i'm going to do. I will be over qualified for most jobs, but not really qualified to do anything but teach. and i'm not really sure i want to do that any more either.

then again, does anyone really know what they want to do for the rest of thier lives?

rethought

2006-11-30T15:53:00.000-08:00

after thinking it over before i layed down for a nap, i don't think i'm physically attracted to Brad. i just like being able to flirt around with and have fun with a guy. that is what orgionally attracted me to Goebel and Dave.
speaking of Dave, we never flirt anymore. i guess that is what happens when you move in and the mystery is gone. and he is so busy and grumpy anymore, i do my best to not even bother him. I don't question our relationship though. someone once told me that when one person is getting they PhD is the hardest part of any relationship. god were they right.

about Brad ...

2006-11-28T20:20:00.000-08:00

I think Brad might become a problem in the future. I'm not going to leave Dave for him, but if i will be spending the next two years slightly flirting with him, my mind will want me to stray. it will be one hell of a test on me. though i'm sure i will be able to pass it.

2006-11-15T19:27:00.000-08:00

i made the mistake of telling Dave that i bought myself the new Josh Groban CD. he asked if i couldn't just get if off the web. i asked him when the last time i bought something for myself. but then i realized that i had just got myself a new pair of gym shoes on monday. but still. oh, and i got myself a salad from Arby's yesterday. and he has more than once complained he thinks thier food is too expensive, yet never offers to go to kroger with me.

i just made me feel like crap, even after i had a somewhat good day.

2006-11-06T08:31:00.000-08:00

that's my boy. I'm really proud of him.
:o)

2006-10-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

he really does love me right? i mean, not just for my green-card-getting abilities. he says he does. he has shown it to me for what, two years now.
i just don't know if i can tell my parents about us getting married, least not till we do it the right way, more than just a judge and his roommate as a witness.

"lips of an Angel"

2006-10-23T20:19:00.000-07:00

everytime i hear "lips of an Angel" i think about goebel. i'm sure he doesn't know how much i still think about him, and he probably never will.
part of me still does wish it would have worked about between us. he really is a great guy, and he has finally found some direction in his life. i know he would have always treated me right. he just isn't the right one for me.
did i just write that to tell you, or am i trying to convince myself? to be honest, i don't know.

2006-10-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

I know that Dave is busy. He is writing away and it is frustrating him and he is getting mad at the whole thing. But he goes out with Imran from a drink; would it really kill him for us to go somewhere that I want to go, so I can a nice girly-drink?? A girl needs a daiquiri every now and then!! And sex would be nice too

2006-10-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

I think i'm starting to flirt around with Brad too much. He is a great guy, a possiblity if Dave wasn't around, but at this rate i'm only going to get myself into trouble.
But how do I not flirt with the guys that I work with. It would be easier for me to part the Red Sea.

sleeping alone

2006-10-12T17:29:00.000-07:00

Dave has been gone for three nights now. I do miss him, even knowing he will be back on saturday. And I hate to say it, but I think I prefer sleeping alone. Not sex, you need someone else for that. But the actual act of sleeping is easier if he isn't there. I don't have to worry that i'm stealing his covers and subsequently waking myself in the night to recover him. I don't have to worry about having too many blankets on the bed for him to be to hot. and I don't have to worry about cuddling up next to him.
Don't get me wrong, I love to cuddle. And who doesn't want a boy that loves to hold them, but sometimes I just want to sleep because I have to teach the next morning, and he doesn't really understand that and I feel obliged to cuddle, when I really want to do is sleep.

just a random thought I wanted to share.

2006-10-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

All of my education classes and assignments are systematically trying to kill me. I’m convinced of it. I keep telling myself that next week will be better. Or just once I get all my lesson plans done, it will be better. But i'm not even believing that lie anymore.

I might get to student teach with the person that inspired me to go into education next semester. I pray that I get that chance. I really think it would be beneficial for my future career.

2006-10-03T13:04:00.000-07:00

Pure Nerd
56 % Nerd, 43% Geek, 30% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.

The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.

Congratulations!

2006-09-24T14:58:00.000-07:00

i tried to tell him how upset i was. but he just doesn't understand. even with all the tears running down my face, he doesn't know. you cant' really understand unless it is happening to your family. the way it looks like, i'm going to have to go back every weekend or so to help out with the house so that it can get on the market soon.
i still haven't heard anything from my dad's lawyer. i think i might call him myself this week. i need that stupid letter.

i got an old perscription refilled when i was home. i got it when i had my teeth taken out. it is supposed to help with pain and help you sleep. hopefully it will do just that and help me to sleep. i'm just to upset to sleep anymore. i just stare at the wall, hoping that my eyes close. if it does happen, it isn't for long enough.

i need to cry.

2006-09-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

it is getting to be that time of the month for me. no, not my period, the week before that, i like to call it weap week. (i know, real creative) but mearly because i simply have an overwhelming uge to cry. and over nothing most of the time i might add.

today it was because Dave didn't invite me to lunch even though i emailed him about.
also money, which, admitly no one has enough of, but it still causes me to cry. i'm not going to be able to pay off my credit card balence this month, and the interest that i'm going to accumulate because of it is going to be like 60 bucks. and i can't really ask dave for the money for stuff when he said he would pay for it, cuz he does pay all the rent and is paying so much for this trip next week. and now he is starting to worry about being able to find a job and staying in the country and is worring about money.
i keep telling him not to worry about money. that i will have it all taken care of, when in truth, i'm scared shitless. i really don't konw what we are going to do. the government thinks my parents should be able to help me out with at least 20 thousand dollars for school. umm ... no. if anything i'm getting more money from dave for school.
I'm supposed to be getting a letter from my dad's lawyer. the hope is with that i might be able to get another grant or something from the state. even food stamps would be amazingly helpful. i really don't know how much longer i can take this.
Dr. Parsei hasn't gotten back to me with my application status yet either. i don't even know if he has recieved it. he should have gotten it friday, least that is when they cashed my check. even if they say no, i need to know so that i might start planning out the rest of my life.

a dream

2006-09-05T13:21:00.000-07:00

a dream with Goebel in it last night has me thinking about him all day today.
i hate it when i get this feeling, when i can't stop thinking about him,when i want to call him. but i know that i can't, David and I are commited to each other; and i'm happy and in love with him. yet my mind strays. arg.

2006-09-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

or how about this dress. it looks kinda like the one that Beauty wore when she was dancing with Beast. but once again, i'm sure that it has one too many zero's in it's price tag.

2006-09-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

i know he doesn't just love me to stay in the country, but how do i convince my family of that. especially if we do end up getting married soon just so that he can stay in the country.
but looking through dresses on line is still fun. i think i have found two favorites one, Style: T8589 from David's Bridal and the one on the left pictured below from Christina Wu, but god knows that i don't be able to actually aford it. specifically if we have to go for a really cheap wedding.

too much to do, none of which i want to do.

2006-08-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

I'm helping a friend paint her house on sunday. it really isn't a big commitment. but it is still something else to put into my planner. i'm not saying i want thing for my planner, infact, it is kind of the opposite really. i have too much to do. and i know that i should be working on shcool work right now. but i just don't care enough. because i care, don't get me wrong, but i'm just not in the mood.

2006-08-28T08:18:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend again we talked more about marrige. Imran getting himself hitched has made it a more open air topic i think.
it has kinda been decided that we will get offically engaged once he gets a post-doc and get a decent wage to be able to afford a ring. which is admitily over a year and a half away, but i can wait.

2006-08-21T07:56:00.000-07:00

yay, it is the first day of school. :o)
and i am, in theory at least, 4/7th of the way done with college. double yay!!

2006-08-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to have a program at 11:30 today. i got up early because if it. even put on some make-up. i was ready to go by 10:30 just in case they arrived really early, as they often do.
by 11:45 they hadn't shown. I called them up and asked if the person answering the phone knew if they were coming or not. she said 'no', as they apperently lost the folder that had all the dates and times of activites in it.
ARG.

2006-08-14T11:16:00.000-07:00

I picked David up from Maryland over the weekend. I have driven over 4 thousand miles for that boy, I hope he approaches it. Anyway, we were not able to have any vacation time like last year, as we had to get back to take Imran to the airport.
But we were able to spend all of Sunday together. It was so nice. But we had to talk of the future. And Dave’s impending post-doc position in Maryland for the two years that I continue on to grad school. I’m dreading that day.
He is afraid that he is going to lose me. I keep trying to tell him that he isn’t going to happen, it simply isn’t. But I don’t think he believes me. I don’t know how else to show him that I love him. I’m still willing to run away to Vegas with him, I think he is actually thinking about it.

I have figured it out

2006-08-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

So, I think I have finally figured out my relationships with the boys. Yes, it took me long enough, but I did it.

Zap was the perfect high school boyfriend, even though he wasn’t in band. He was into art, literature, other things I liked but wasn’t good at, was interested in me and was very supportive at the difficult time in life.

Goebel is the perfect college boyfriend. English major, scruffy hair, warm in the winter, likes to drink but not party hard, also is very supportive, my personal shrink when needed, has his own place and is more mature than high school boyfriend.

David is the perfect guy to spend the rest of my life with. He has a great British accent, knows what he wants in live, and yet is willing to help me achieve what I want, as he loves me. Due to his being the oldest, is the most mature.

So, what does all that mean? Well, considering I was too scared to not have a boyfriend my first half of college, I missed out on my real relationship with Goebel. And because by the time I figured out that Zap wasn’t the right guy for me, I had skipped over the Goebel stage of my life and moved right on to the Dave stage. If that makes any sense.
So I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to do with this new found knowledge, but I have it.

a good review

2006-08-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

So, on Friday I had to give a Planetarium show. It was a live show, which means that all the entertainment come from me standing in the back with a lazer pointer, showing stuff to the 82 people that showed up. And the reason that there were so many people, we usually have closer to half that, was all the students taking Astronomy 101 over the summer had to come to a Planetarium show and turn in an essay about it, and Friday was their last chance for a show.

Anyway, this was a essay turned in by one of the students.

On July 28, 2006, my family and I attended the Ritter Planetarium’s program entitled “The Summer Skies over Toledo.” It was a live program, narrated by an enthusiastic, female astronomy student. We arrived in the nick of time but had to sit in the nosebleed section—the front row. Nevertheless, the reclining seats were very comfy and allowed me to see the dome-like ceiling without straining my neck. I sat my seven-month old son in his carrier, directly across from us and as my eyes became dark-adapted, I noticed him twiddling his fingers and staring at the narrator as if he understood. The program was designed for a diverse audience. She discussed and defined the topics so clearly that even young children could follow along. The narrator also had an excellent sense of humor and ad libed really well.
The program was about locating stars and constellations visible currently in the Toledo skies. We watched the asterisms, The Big Dipper and Summer Triangle. We located the North Star and watched Lyra the Harp, Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, and other constellations. I felt a bit smart when she asked if The North Star was the brightest and I answered “Sirius.” We saw the haze of the Milky Way. She also discussed the controversial naming of a Kuiper Belt object as Gabriel & Xena and how the astronomical association was debating what criterion a body meets before being declared a planet. At first, I assumed she was discussing Sedna when she discussed the possible 10th planet but this name was not mentioned.
Towards the end of the presentation, my son got fussy so my husband took him into the hallway. I watched the entire presentation but missed the opportunity to view Jupiter (which I now know as the largest Jovian, planet) because of my family. However, I did learn how useful and relevant astronomy is. The narrator told a short story about her soldier-friend in Iraq who’s GPS system failed when he needed to get his men back to Baghdad. He utilized his knowledge of the stars to guide his men back to the base. I also learned that the planets were named after Greek deities.
In addition, I also have a more personal reason to learn astronomy—my son. I struggled during the first weeks of this class because my mind is hard-wired to writing and public speaking; mathematics and science have always been difficult for me. I went to see Prof. McGinnis to receive tutoring and explanations of the correct quiz answers and my little son was enthralled with his demonstration of Earth orbiting while tilting on his axis. I thought to myself in this day and age where athletes and rock stars are worshipped, I want my son to have a hobby that requires brainpower. I want to sit with him, a few years from now, look up at the evening sky and be able to discuss the stars and pick out constellations. This was a great experience for my budding astronomer, Alexander and hopefully, this will not be our last planetarium visit.

Looks like she enjoyed it, yay. And except that I'm not actually a Astronomy student and "Prof. McGinnis" isn't a professor, but a whiney grad student that the department is kicking out, she knows what she is talking about.
And my boss got to see a copy of it, so that was good too.

is this my final answer?

2006-08-02T15:59:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I’m not going to visit Goebel. He really isn’t good for me. I know, took me long enough to figure that one out huh? But now even he admits he isn’t emotionally attached or feels the same way as he did before.
I guess we are just prolonging the inevitable. Eventually we will just stop talking to each other, and that will be that. A chapter of my life will have finally come to a close.

Plus I’m jealous that he is taking another girl to a concert on Thursday and he didn’t ask me, but instead told me last time I saw him, that he was too poor to buy me a cheap bottle of wine.

a thought

2006-07-31T17:13:00.000-07:00

In high school, I was always the chaser. I don't know of any guy that was interested in me other than Andrew. And even while he was a great guy, I didn't feel wanted all the time. That is kinda how I feel now.
A week from Friday, in 11 days, I get to go and pick up Dave. yay. But when he gone, I feel so lonely. Even when we talk on the phone, he is distant. He doesn't like phones and never has anything to say. We don't even have a spontaneous conversation. I miss that, I just miss being wanted.
Goebel wants me to come and see him this weekend. I know I shouldn't see him, and I don't think I will. I actually think that I will be good. I keep telling myself that I learned my lesson, but I still want to be held. I still want him to kiss me the way that he does. I just want to be wanted.

2006-07-31T12:55:00.000-07:00

it is amazing how much stalking can be done with facebook.com
and it would seem that all the popular people are having Jackson reunions and i'm not invited. not that i'm surprised though.

expensive art

2006-07-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

So, outside my door, on campus, they are having "Art on the Mall". In support of all the starving artists, I went and had a look around. and was hoping to get some Christmas shopping done too.
But to no avail. While the event was on a college campus, there was nothing there in the price range of a college student.
I will admit, the colored glass was very pretty, but not worth 50 bucks as a gift for someone who might not even use it anyway. But there were enough rich Ottawa Hills ladies there making enough purchases for everyone.

2006-07-30T08:29:00.000-07:00

hmm...