i tried to tell him how upset i was. but he just doesn't understand. even with all the tears running down my face, he doesn't know. you cant' really understand unless it is happening to your family. the way it looks like, i'm going to have to go back every weekend or so to help out with the house so that it can get on the market soon.
i still haven't heard anything from my dad's lawyer. i think i might call him myself this week. i need that stupid letter.

i got an old perscription refilled when i was home. i got it when i had my teeth taken out. it is supposed to help with pain and help you sleep. hopefully it will do just that and help me to sleep. i'm just to upset to sleep anymore. i just stare at the wall, hoping that my eyes close. if it does happen, it isn't for long enough.

i need to cry.

it is getting to be that time of the month for me. no, not my period, the week before that, i like to call it weap week. (i know, real creative) but mearly because i simply have an overwhelming uge to cry. and over nothing most of the time i might add.

today it was because Dave didn't invite me to lunch even though i emailed him about.
also money, which, admitly no one has enough of, but it still causes me to cry. i'm not going to be able to pay off my credit card balence this month, and the interest that i'm going to accumulate because of it is going to be like 60 bucks. and i can't really ask dave for the money for stuff when he said he would pay for it, cuz he does pay all the rent and is paying so much for this trip next week. and now he is starting to worry about being able to find a job and staying in the country and is worring about money.
i keep telling him not to worry about money. that i will have it all taken care of, when in truth, i'm scared shitless. i really don't konw what we are going to do. the government thinks my parents should be able to help me out with at least 20 thousand dollars for school. umm ... no. if anything i'm getting more money from dave for school.
I'm supposed to be getting a letter from my dad's lawyer. the hope is with that i might be able to get another grant or something from the state. even food stamps would be amazingly helpful. i really don't know how much longer i can take this.
Dr. Parsei hasn't gotten back to me with my application status yet either. i don't even know if he has recieved it. he should have gotten it friday, least that is when they cashed my check. even if they say no, i need to know so that i might start planning out the rest of my life.

a dream

a dream with Goebel in it last night has me thinking about him all day today.
i hate it when i get this feeling, when i can't stop thinking about him,when i want to call him. but i know that i can't, David and I are commited to each other; and i'm happy and in love with him. yet my mind strays. arg.

or how about this dress. it looks kinda like the one that Beauty wore when she was dancing with Beast. but once again, i'm sure that it has one too many zero's in it's price tag.

i know he doesn't just love me to stay in the country, but how do i convince my family of that. especially if we do end up getting married soon just so that he can stay in the country.
but looking through dresses on line is still fun. i think i have found two favorites one, Style: T8589 from David's Bridal and the one on the left pictured below from Christina Wu, but god knows that i don't be able to actually aford it. specifically if we have to go for a really cheap wedding.